Oy vey. Is what I said a little over 4 months ago. My whole world seemed to come crashing down. A king, without his queen, I was. I was in more of a funk than Parliament in their heyday. I had something that seemed so genuine, so thorough, so…dope, and suddenly, it was no more. One nonchalant “I’m kinda blah about it” and it was over. There would be no more “us” or “we” or “you and I”. We would go our separate ways, which was something I honestly, before that day, never thought would happen. I didn’t understand what the hell happened. The blame was pretty much placed squarely on me even though I pretty much made anything we had actually exist. I went all-out, 24/7/365, and when I was told that any future efforts would be futile… Wow. I wasn’t sure how I would get over it. Then, I woke up one morning and realized that I’d done everything that I could for her. That SHE at times wondered if she reciprocated the love properly. That even though we’d both gotten out of toxic relationships, she was still holding on to her feelings for her ex, and simply wasn’t ready to let go. I was HER rock, and it hit me: Maybe she just wasn’t mine. Maybe her efforts, or lack thereof, wouldn’t have been conducive to the married life. Her reasoning for the split was, and still is, in my opinion, total bullshit. I’m not sure why she felt that way, but not too long ago, I caught a case of the let-go’s. I stopped caring. I still love her, and there’s even a part of me that wants to tell her that. However, I ask myself, ‘For what?’ Really, what would that accomplish? Shitted on and treated as if I don’t exist, and I’m sitting here semi-pining to hear her voice, to see her smile, or to goofily walk down the street with her. It wasn’t HEALTHY, mentally or physically, to stay in that state of mind. There were pieces that needed to be picked up, and a new path that needed to be walked upon. Sometimes, some of us beat ourselves up over the end of a relationship; especially when we’re made out to be the antagonist or reason for its demise and eventual death. We do this because we KNOW we gave the relationship everything we could during its duration…and all for naught. To not even be acknowledged, to be questioned and doubted. To be hurt, lied to, and seemingly led astray. To be told that everything is fine, when in reality, it was the complete opposite. It hurts us so because we care SO much. Can you imagine being ready to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with ONE PERSON? I was ready. She claimed she was ready. Optimism and hope filled our lives moreso than the air we breathed. Which led to sublte doubts. Which led to uneasiness. Which led to the end. I beat myself up because I wanted so badly for things to back as they once were. Those of us that carried the relationship, whether emotionally, financially, or physically, tend to do that. It’s not kosher, people. Did we make mistakes during the course of the relationship? Of course. Could we have done better, overall? Again, of course. What separates us from them, though, is that we were willing to do whatever it took to right any wrong that had presented itself. We were more than willing to face every obstacle and hurdle…together. The thing is, we understood that no matter what transpired, there was a common denominator: a committed relationship. We committed ourselves to every little good and bad thing that anyone or anything could possibly detect in “them”. We accepted their flaws as a part of them, and not some sort of completely separate persona or behavior. The problem? The favor wasn’t returned. Whether you’d been lied to, cheated on, beaten, or just downright treated like shit, know that you didn’t deserve it. Working on ourselves afterwards is vital. Not for an undeserving ex, but for a more deserving potential future partner. I’m determined to not have my heart broken and put back together with stale, weak ass Elmer’s glue. I’m determined to be a better person. Not because I wasn’t a good person before, but because I want the next woman to know that despite the past, I’m better than ever. Despite any flaws or shortcomings, I’ve fully acknowledged that moving forward is the best thing to do. Moving forward with her. If love is a science, it is the biggest mindfuck of an experiment that there has ever been. Consider all of the variables. There are too many to count. Often, our hypotheses and conclusion are worlds apart. Mainly, because we’re in the lab while they wait around for the results. Don’t ever work late hours in the lab, with the test tubes, bunson burners, and laptop by yourself again. I guarantee that they’ll find a way to be disappointed by your findings. And you’ll have nothing to show for all of your experimentation and scientific research. Bill Nye the Science Guy should’ve aired a show on how to find the perfect love, because people like us truly deserve it. To all my fellas and chicks that STILL put in work in the lab: Your efforts will someday be greatly and wholeheartedly appreciated. Just make sure you don’t allow a slacker lab partner to take credit for something that they shouldn’t. P.S. I miss Karen! P.S. #shoutout to Peach(good look), my future wife aka @CookieMonster, Fowler, and last but not least…KMo.