The Cubs won’t win another World Series unless…

Yes, I know, as do all Cubs fans. It’s been 102 years since the Cubs last won a World Series. Hell, the Cubs haven’t appeared in a World Series in 65 years. Whether you want to blame a stupid billy-goat or black cat, Steve Bartman, or Milton Bradley, the Cubs just haven’t been able to win it all in the last century.

But…the Cubs aren’t completely hopeless or hapless. They’ve infused some youth into the big league club in the form of promising homegrown stars like Geo Soto, Carlos Marmol, Tyler Colvin, and Starlin “I Hate Fidel” Castro. Some big money will come off the books after the 2011 season, and the Ricketts seem intent on turning the Cubbies around for good. I see a World Series title on the horizon, but not before the Cubs resolve these issues.

  • Do away with “Go Cubs Go”.  First, let me say that I love fight songs, and I never feel prouder to be a fan than when I’m singing one. As soon as I hear “On the banks of the Red Cedar/There’s a school that’s known to all…”, my Sparty! pride takes over and I start singing at the top of my lungs like an oblivious drunk. It’s in my opinion that fight songs be relegated to collegiate athletics, though. It just doesn’t look right to see thousands of middle-aged adults singing along after a Cubs win. In addition, fight songs generally have much history. Why is it that “Go Cubs Go” doesn’t, considering the Cubs have been around for over 100 years?
  • No more guest 7th inning stretch conductors.   Why? Why? Why? Just play a tape of Harry Caray, for Tom’s sake. What the hell does Jeff “Wrigley Stadium” Gordon have to do with the Cubs? Or Ozzy Osbourne? Or the kid who played McLovin in “Superbad”? I’m just flat-out sick of the outsiders taking part in what I believe to be a hallowed Cubs tradition. Even the celebrities who claim to be diehard Cubs fans are a joke. Dear Jon Cusack, Wrigley is not spelled “W-r-i-g-g-l-y”. Sincerely, Erik
  • Get rid of the “Bleacher Bums”. Try to enjoy a July day game in the bleachers at Wrigley and you’ll figure out by the 3rd inning why I feel this way.
  • Amass more talent. Stop trying to sell talent and history.   The ivy was great. When I was 8. Now? Eh. I always thought the manual scoreboard was ridiculously dope, but I’m a little irked that it’s one of the best features of the shabby-looking Wrigley Field. I’m sorry, but the “old, rustic” look would look a lot better if the Cubs won more. Damn the “Friendly Confines”. If a new, plush stadium means more revenue, to be spent on better players, then so be it. I couldn’t care less anymore about the fact that the Cubs franchise has decided to “keep it real” by leaving Wrigley Field the way it is. Eliminating the trough-style men’s bathrooms simply just ain’t enough.
  • Start capitalizing on national appeal.   Who doesn’t like the Cubs? Well, Pale Hose fans don’t, but they don’t count. Since WGN is a national network, people all over the Cubs can watch the Cubs, and have been for decades. I’ve never seen a Cubs road game without hearing a few thousand Cubs fans in the stand at some point. There’s only one Major League Baseball franchise that’s more popular in the US than the Cubs, and that’s the New York Yankees, who also happen to be the most recognizable pro sports franchise in the world. So why haven’t we been able to enjoy the success that Yankees fans have? Why are Yankees hats fashionable, but Cubs fitteds aren’t? Why can’t the Cubs win so much that it literally sickens people? I assume that there are people who are ashamed to identify themselves as Cubs fans while living somewhere besides Chicago, but come on. If Cubs fans wanted, we could destroy the Yankee fan base. Granted, a winning (titles, not games or divisions) Cubs team would attract bandwagoners, but such is the cost of being the boss.
  • Cubs fans shouldn’t be allowed to own guns or any instrument that could cause bodily harm.   When Milton Bradley said Cubs fans are negative, he wasn’t lying. The average Cubs fan is the most pessimistic, downbeat, off-putting, discouraging, cynical and gloomy sports fan that I’ve ever met. The Cubs are in a lose-lose situation. Play well, and the fans are waiting for the inevitable collapse. Play poorly, and the fans are waiting for things to get even worse. I give credit to the optimistic Cubs fans, but that “Wait till next year” crap is just plain stupid, annoying, and played out. One of my friend’s ex-girlfriend asked him, “If Cubs fans jumped off a bridge, would you?” He answered, “If we had just lost our fifth straight game, I’d be the first in line.”

The Cubs title drought will continue until the franchise decides to take some initiative and address these problems, once and for all…

P.S. I miss Karen and the Moondance Woman!!!

P.P.S. Strawberry Crush and Froot Loops should never mix…

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