What tweets are worse than those of a political nature, you did not ask?

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to offend anyone, although I’m sure that it will. I am not directing this post towards people who don’t post political tweets, but rather those individuals who feel that posting political tweets are a waste of time; meaningless. I fully intend for this post to be harsh, however, and these are my opinions, which I acknowledge as opinions and not indeed, fact. I will acknowledge that politics is generally about bullshit, and will also acknowledge that life in general, is about bullshit.

Do you remember when you were a child, at the dinner table? Think back to when your parent(s) had to literally beg you to eat your vegetables. Do you recall the “propaganda” they spewed to you? You know, telling you that if you don’t eat all of your vegetables, you’d get sick and wouldn’t grow up to be big and strong? (Hey, Karen, all of those damn peas and sweet potatoes you made me eat didn’t do a damn bit of good, you jerk.) Of course, as a child who knew everything there was to know, you vehemently refused to eat said vegetables. There was no way in hell you’d even begin to consume something that was so disgusting, and to you, a waste of dinner plate space. Then…you grew up. Despite the assumption that as you grow older, you favor intellect and intelligent discourse more and more, political tweets are just one of the things that for some reason, draw the ire of so many fully-grown adults on a regular basis.

This morning, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney (MA) officially named Congressman Paul Ryan (WI) his running mate for the 2012 presidential election. A few on my Twitter timeline, like myself, chuckled. Some seemingly either didn’t know about this, or chose to ignore it. And then there was the group of people who just felt so inclined to post tweets like, “I guess I’m going to have to get off of Twitter until December” or “I can’t take all of this political crap on my timeline” or my favorite, “It looks like I’ll be muting/unfollowing a lot of people in the coming months”.

I get it: Politics isn’t exactly a popular topic to discuss. I should remind you, though, that politics is not sports. Nor is it entertainment, technology, or even dumb ass gossip. Politics are vital to the structure of the US, and if you don’t agree with that, I will just chalk up your belief to either you being far less than politically aware or making a blatant attempt to fit in with the cool crowd. Since so many of the people who feel that tweeting about politics is essentially “like jerking off into the wind” don’t often opine on a lot of the literal mundane shit that floats into their timelines, I figured I’d take the liberty of doing so myself.

  1. Retweeting parody accounts. Oh, how do I hate 99.9% of parody accounts found on Twitter. Initially, the idea of them didn’t seem so bad. In fact, I actually ran one myself until Twitter basically told me that I was impersonating an actual person…which is essentially the concept of a fucking parody account. As time passed, these accounts have become more and more annoying. Whether the account is one of the dozens of condescending Waldo accounts, fake Bill Walton, faux John Madden, Ted accounts, or just a parody account of the average celebrity, it’s gotten tired. Enough is enough. What makes a good number of these accounts even worse is that they steal tweets and post them as their own. Alas, there are folks on Twitter who still continue to be amazed by these accounts. If you are a theist of some kind, pray for them to learn what real humor is.
  2. Tweets that alert your timeline of the minutiae that is your daily life. There was once a time when Twitter was struggling to find its footing on the internet. With its perceived chief rival to be Facebook, the Facebook loyalists would not make the switch, or simply create a Twitter account because of the general idea that Twitter was more about “I just took a shit. It smells.” than actual meaningful information being exchanged between people all over the globe. Don’t get me wrong; there are still the people who feel the need to let their timeline know that they just ate a cheeseburger with no cheese. It’s just that the people of Twitter have progressed, a bit. Only a bit, though.
  3. “I’m about to go work out” tweets. I don’t include these with #2 because I wouldn’t exactly characterize working out as minutiae. While I don’t actively work out, I don’t have a problem with those who do. My qualm lies with the people who I assume think they’re earning some sort of cool points by announcing to their timeline that they are about to hit the gym in an effort to tighten up, or spy on people, usually of the opposite sex. This would also include the attractive women who post pics of themselves in their workout gear to Twitter. You’ve seen them: The shapely woman who rocks the silhouette pose in her new Nike attire so everyone can see just how shapely she truly is. You want attention, people. To deny as much would only hurt your cause.
  4. The Instagram craze. For personal reasons, I don’t take many pictures. Again, I don’t really have a problem with people who choose to. Again, my qualm lies with the people who are seemingly taking pictures for others. Check the fly shit: I don’t want to see yet another picture of your baby with his/her eyes open. No, I don’t care about what you had for dinner. Do you really think I want to see a morbidly obese woman at the gas station in a tutu, chugging a gallon of chocolate milk while playing the ukelele? Congratulations, you smoke weed, drink liquor and/or own a motor vehicle. I believe everyone should as often as possible think about what they’re tweeting, and whether or not it does anyone else any good. This same strategy should apply to Instagram.
  5. #TeamiPhone and #TeamDroid. You people literally sicken me. Please tell me how much money you’ve made by endorsing either product. It’s safe to assume that you get some sort of discount for turning yourself into a label whore, no? I have a Droid, and it’s only because I needed a new phone and at the time, it was free. I couldn’t care less about what brand my smartphone is, as long as it functions the way I want it to. Maybe my indifference can be attributed to my lack of savviness when it comes to technology, or possibly my realization that materialism is sophomoric and should be abandoned upon graduating from high school.
  6. Retweeting or tweeting sports rumors. These people are mostly sheep. I’d even go as far as to say they are slaves to the media. News is 24/7, but that doesn’t mean that every journalist has something to report at all hours of the day. This goes double for sports journalists. During a period of time in which there isn’t much news to report, you can find so many baseball, basketball, hockey and football media types spamming timelines with rumors on signings, trades, hirings, firings, and other transactions in their respective sports. As if posting this type of crap isn’t annoying enough, the mention of “sources” makes it much, much, much, much, much worse. Could you imagine giving a professor a term paper and listing anonymous sources, then expecting to be viewed as a good student?
  7. Twitter beefs. I love debate. I hate senseless, immature bickering. I do not hurl insults at anyone. Regardless of what anyone thinks, I do not post subliminal tweets. If I have a genuine problem with someone, I will do my best to hash it out, and if the issue can’t be resolved, they will be blocked. I’ve personally witnessed two grown ass people going at each other’s throats over shit that belongs only on an episode of 90210. All you’re doing when you resort to petty back and forth with someone is making yourself look like a jackass in the eyes of others who are easily more mature. Now, don’t construe a heated disagreement as my beefing with someone. I challenge almost everyone on my timeline at one point or another, and believe I am generally respectful. However, I will never digitally voice my disdain for someone because they wouldn’t play nice during recess, or because they are friendly with someone who I don’t particularly like.
  8. Endorsing ratchet behavior. We all have our “ignorant moments”. I prefer to keep mine private. Twitter, for most, is a public platform. Why would you want potentially every person on the planet to think that you’re ignorant? The amount of sexism, homophobia and racism on Twitter is disheartening. Of course, I’ve weeded out a lot of it from my timeline, but every once in a while, it creeps up again. I’ll save my controversial jokes and views for those who understand me best, because things often get lost in translation when in text, especially when the reader doesn’t personally know you.
  9. Using Twitter as a diary/journal. Yes, Twitter is technically a micro-blogging website. Or, at least that’s what it was originally intended to be. Since I joined in August of 2009, it has slowly transformed into more of a social networking site, and I am not totally adverse to the change. What really fries my chicken are the the people who whine incessantly. They bitch about failed relationships, their imaginary haters, incompetent co-workers, goals that they’re most likely not working towards and annoying family members. In moderation, tweeting about each of these things is perfectly fine. If I scroll down your timeline and see that you’ve devoted 45 out of your last 46 tweets to harping about how you can’t get a date, that a store you visited didn’t have a product you wanted, or expressing your displeasure with your selfish roommate for using the last of the ketchup, you may want to look into bidding on a life on eBay.
  10. The “Politics on Twitter is stupid” clan. Don’t care about politics, I beg of you. Let the rest of us virtually decide your future for you. I understand that not everyone is politically inclined, and that those people would rather not discuss politics. In addition, I realize that there are people who don’t talk about politics, for fear that their opinion(s) will be attacked. Some of these people are actually knowledgeable when it comes to politics, but would rather not have to deal with perfect strangers attempting to eviscerate them because of their belief(s). But you folk who practically insult something that is a passion of mine can kick big rocks while barefoot in the winter. You are not “dissing” my love of building model planes (which I actually suck at because I have no semblance of patience), but a subject that I decided to pursue in college, as I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Political Science. Feel free to express how uncomfortable you are when talking about politics, or even witnessing it in any way. Just don’t bring yourself to denigrate something that impacts your life so greatly, whether you choose to accept it or not. Basically, grow the entire fuck up.

While I am a bit of a PoliSci nerd, my timeline is more than politics. Believe me, I have unfollowed people who only tweet about politics because I mainly use Twitter to find diversity. Besides, one-dimensional people are a nuisance, regardless of what it is they’re so scarily devoted to. The problem with many assumptions of political tweets are that most of them are not really soapbox-worthy. At least from what I’ve read, these people are mostly just sharing their beliefs. Occasionally, the shit can be a little preachy, and like the pointless Twitter beefs, some debates about politics turn into full-blown mud-slinging matches. Yet, I am a self-proclaimed scatterbrain, and my timeline definitely shows as much. Fortunately, for myself, I always manage to come back to what I feel is important. Now that Romney has his running mate, the presidential race is officially on. There will be lots of spirited debate, faulty claims, corrections and the like. You can be assured that my timeline will become a bit more political with each passing day. If you have a problem with that, you know what to do. Just let me know, so I can return the favor.

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