There are rules to this s***, people.

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Rather than give you statistics and the rigmarole, I’ll just tell you that a lot of Americans smoke weed. A. Lot. Young, old, Black, White, rich, poor, famous, blue-collar…marijuana is the casual drug of choice, especially in 2013. While some argue that it is a gateway drug or is more harmful than we’ve been led to believe, I’m not writing in defense of that or otherwise.

When it comes to life, there are rules. And when partaking in a smoking session (of marijuana, of course), it is no different. Depending on who you’re with, violations of these rules are handled differently. No matter what the punishment may be, just follow these simple rules.

(In no particular order)

Don’t participate if you can’t hang.
I get it, I really do. Supposedly, marijuana is the “cool” drug; the narcotic that instantly raises your awesome points a few dozen. However, marijuana also costs money. Sometimes, a rather substantial amount, depending on the strain. So the last thing anyone wants to do is spend money on something that you will waste. If you know you are not a smoker, either sit the session out or let it be known that you will only be a partial participant.

Never hand someone an unlit joint/blunt.
Someone has done this to me before, and when I shot them a look of confusion, they returned the favor. Look, I understand that it isn’t difficult to relight the damn thing. It’s a matter of principle, though. A session is supposed to be continuous. As easy as it would be for me to take the L from you and relight it, you could take a second and relight it before passing it to me. “Don’t break the cypher!” – Thurgood Jenkins, Half Baked

Puff, puff, puff, pass.
Disregard Friday. Ignore any rules you may have heard before reading this post. “Puff, puff, pass” is outdated. Tired. Played out. Obsolete. Lame. L7. In 2013, it’s 3 puffs, then pass. Obviously, everyone inhales differently, so if you have the lungs of a blue whale, maybe you’ll want to modify your drags to accommodate the others in the group. This rule is in place because it allows you an opportunity to rip the way a person should while not alienating everyone else in the session. And if you’re like me, that third pull can be everything.

No “Shawn Skemps.”
Basically, no skinny ass blunts/joints. What you do by yourself, in the privacy of your own home, is your prerogative. When you’re supposed to be sharing with others, though, knock it off with the stingy shit. Speaking of being stingy…

Don’t hold out.
I am a fiscally conservative person. I believe that frugality is not a bad thing. “Cheap” is purely subjective. In spite of this… If you have a gram, the entire gram should be used in the session. If you need to stretch your green, it would be wise to stay at home. Don’t worry. Things happen and most sensible people wouldn’t feel any way about it. If you show your face at my session, however, I’m going to expect you to fully participate. Empty that bag/jar of yours, friendo.

Don’t drop it.
This rule definitely applies if blunts and/or joints are being used. Considered a “party foul” of sorts, dropping the doob is seen as a pretty serious offense, and in some circles I’ve been in, warrants you missing a turn.

“No greasy situations.”
Ladies, I don’t mind sparking up with you. I do mind, however, you essentially applying lip gloss to the damn RAW papers that I so meticulously rolled. While I am not averse to lip gloss, its presence is unnecessary in a session. If you’re wearing any before the festivities start, please, completely remove it.

No babysitting.
G’Lawd, is “babysitting” one of the most annoying things ever in life. Obviously, I’m not referring to watching that bastard at the end of your block when you were 16 so you could earn enough money to buy a car that your mom wouldn’t let you drive, anyway, mind you. I’m taking big shots at the folks who literally hold on to the L/J/bowl during their turn. Just, holding it. Sitting there, holding it and talking. While it steadily burns. Wasting money and cheeba. You asshole. No session for you.

No life stories.
I am not a fan of small talk. I find it to be incredibly disingenuous, and almost always a waste of my time. A simple “Hi” and “See ya later” would suffice if you don’t have much else to say, fellow Earthlings. If I can’t stand small talk, how the hell do you think I feel about hearing your damn biography? It sucks that you lost your job, your girlfriend left you for your sister, your car runs out of gas before it can go from 0-60 and that you’re sure you have a brain tumor, but honestly, that’s not what this session is about. We congregated to enjoy Marie Josephine and parlay. It’s hard to parlay when someone is giving you more of a rundown about their life than you ever wanted to be made aware of.

The “boofers.”
At a shindig, sometimes there will be a designated area for the smokers. If so, there may be “party blunts,” or joints. There’s always that one fucker who feigns disappointment with the tree, acting as if those long ass drags they’re taking aren’t fazing them in the least. So, they sit there and chief away, hoping their ploy works. They’ll do this until called out, so if you notice someone who is about that life, call them out. Immediately.

Contribute.
I’ve hosted sessions with 10 people in which only 2 or 3 actually brought bomb. Still, the others managed to bring food, drink, video games (don’t bring any to a session that I host, please) and sometimes, another person who has provided one of those things. In other instances, if a person somehow couldn’t procure any of the sticky stuff, they at least brought cigarillos, blunts, joints, a hookah, bong, vaporizer or even a dope ass rolling tray (thanks, Martina). Hell, maybe you’re key in the clutch, and your lighter saves the day. One way to get out of bringing something: Roll up. For everyone.

Nobody likes a clown.
When I was younger, I believed movies’ and television’s depictions of being high. The insatiable appetite, seeing colors on the wall, laughing for no reason, moving in slow-motion, et cetera. While some are accurate, to an extent, I did eventually learn that for whatever reason, people love to exaggerate. There are few things more annoying than someone who acts high during a session. Making pointless observations and acting like a fool does not mean you’re high. It means you’re making pointless observations and acting like a fool, idiot. Especially if you’re among adults, there is no need to sell that you’re high. Chances are, everyone there has been in that state of mind before. No cool points will be given for each declaration of, “Wow, I’m so high right now” so you may as well pack up and go home.

I’m sure there are rules that I missed. Some, I’d agree with, and others, I wouldn’t. Luckily, I haven’t come across many offenders of the rules I just posted, but it’s inevitable to have to deal with a few in a lifetime. There is one way to avoid witnessing any of these rules being broken, and that’s to simply smoke by yourself. Enjoy.

P.S. Thanks to E, Spo, Shake, Cause, Vic, G and BG


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