Winter in Chicago…

It may seem odd to outsiders, but to Chicagoans...

Well, I fucking HATE Chicago winters. I’ve always felt that it takes one extraordinarily ballsy person to survive multiple Chicago winters, let alone one. Our winters sometimes start around now, the middle of November, and during other years, it may not start until the beginning of January. When it comes, we all know it. The winds start to pick up. The days seem to get shorter. Sunlight is scarce. Then, we wake up in the morning and see frost on car windows. The ground is rock hard. Next comes the ice. And the black ice. Then the snow starts to fall, and before you know it, slush. Salt trucks are aplenty (in the more affluent neighborhoods) and cars and trucks fishtail everywhere around the city. This isn’t madness. This. Is. A. Chicago. Winter.

In general, Chicagoans are a kind-hearted bunch. We’re not like our brethren to the east and west, who immerse themselves in…themselves. We’re not completely out of the loop like our friends down south. And we’re not living in our own little boring world like our fellow Americans in the north. We’re polite, cordial, nice, genuine, and any other adjective you can think of that would paint Chicagoans in a flattering light. However, when December 21 comes…stay the hell out of our way. Don’t walk slowly in front of us down the street. Don’t lollygag when we’re trying to get work done. Don’t fidget around with your car/house keys. And don’t–and I mean DO NOT–park in our parking spaces, especially when that spot is directly in front of our houses. We will go Mel Gibson on your ass and beat you severely where you stand. Saving parking spots in the winter in Chicago is an enormous deal, and it is not to be taken lightly.

This is how we roll...

Damn you, Mother Nature…

I assure you, it’s not a game. Chicagoans don’t play when it comes to bad weather. “Inclement weather conditions” are the norm here in the Windy City, and you’d better believe that after residing here for a few years, we’re all smart enough to have learned how to cope with  the cold, winds, snow, slush, ice, and all of the other crap that comes along with it. I’m in no way, shape, or form an advocate for men hitting women, but I’m not ashamed to say that I’d beat Mother Nature like she owed me money if she were indeed a human being.

 

My womanfriend and all of her friends who live in the DMV area bitched and moaned last winter about all of the snow that hit the East Coast. Granted, they got rammed with snow and high winds, but it was just one winter. Shut up, for JesusAllahBuddha’s sake. Last time I checked, that’s not a regular occurrence; the DC area getting hit very hard by snow. Deal, unless you’d like to live here for a winter or two and know what it feels like to have the wind punch you in the face like Pacquiao did Margarito for 12 rounds.

 

I’d advise those of you living in DC, Maryland, and Virginia to stop acting like whining is your second language when you see heavy snowfall. We don’t even get upset or frustrated anymore by the winter and what it unfortunately brings. We know it’s here to make our lives a living hell and will stop at nothing to do so. So what? We all go through four seasons. It’s inevitable that some in this country will have to endure a harsh winter, just like some will have to try to survive a scalding summer. Such is life on this crazy planet we call Earth.

 

To all of my fellow Chicagoans: When the snow falls, remember…violence is NOT the key.

 

P.S. I miss Karen and the Moondance Woman!!!

 

P.P.S. Why does everyone stare at my shoes?! I’m not a piece of meat!!!